Coffe, Tea or Me?

by Meris

"Napoleon, I'm hungry."


"You promised you would bring breakfast."


"I believed you."


"Napoleon, wake up."

"'m awake."

"No, you are not. And you promised me breakfast."


"The least you can do after what I did for you last night is to get me breakfast."

"Wha'cha do for me las' ni'?"

"Made love to you for four hours."

"Did not."

"I did so."

"Three hours."

"Four. I looked at the clock."

"Jeez. On'y a dedicated Russian 'fficiency expert would check the clock."

"It was right in front of your face."

"My ass was in fron' of your face. How'n hell didja see the clock?"

"I am very efficient at what I do."

"I'll... say..."


"'m worn out from all this 'fficiency."





"Go get me breakfast."


"Take your head out of the pillow and get me breakfast. Or I will push you out of bed."

"You'n' what army?"

"Just me. And these two feet."

"Take more'n'at."

"Just the judicious application of the principles of leverage..."

"Ow! You didn't have to be so rough!"

"Breakfast. And bring tea."

"Yes, Your Highness."

"With jam."


"Come on, Illya, get your head out of the pillows."


"I wasn't gone that long."

"Yes, you were."

"I have a riddle for you: who's the most popular man at a nudist colony?"

"What does this have to do with breakfast?"

"Just answer the riddle."

"I do not understand why you are asking me riddles when I asked you for breakfast."

"It has everything to do with breakfast, tovarisch."

"Popularity has nothing to do with breakfast unless you brought it with you. You have a cup in each hand. Where are the doughnuts—oh, wait...."

"Aaaah, I thought you might get it someday. Take your tea, the cup is hot."

"I think I prefer to get a doughnut first."

"Illya! I'm standing here juggling a cup of hot tea and a cup of hot coffee and you're going for the doughnut first? Can't you— that again."

"It will not come loose, Napoleon. Maybe the holder was smaller when you—put it on."

"They fit just fine when I put them on. This is your fault."

"I will just nibble it to break the circle so I can—slip it off."

"Illya—umf—you really need to take your—oh—oh yeah—oh yeah, do that again. Right there. Jesus, that feels good!"

"I think I need another bite to keep my strength up before I take my tea."


"Is something the matter?"

"Mmmm...what are you doing?"

"Cleaning up the crumbs. They get into everywhere."

"They got in there all right. Jesus, and there...and there..."

"And there are some more here..."

"Oh god, your tongue feels so good..."


"Why'd you stop...?"

"I finished cleaning up the frosting."

"Take the goddamn tea before I drop it on you!"

"All right, Napoleon, I have had my first doughnut. Here, give me the coffee too. Now, lie down, and let me get my second doughnut...."

For those who don't remember it, the riddle goes: Who's the most popular man at a nudist colony? The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts. Although I hope it was clear from the context! :-)

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