"Napoleon? Can I come in?"

"Illya! Yes, of course. I ... here, let me take that. From Hsengs?"

"Yes."

"Enough to share?"

"Of course there is. What do you think, that I'd bring food to your apartment and eat in your face?"

"It's so unusual for you to bring food at all that I'm bemused."

"Bemused?"

"Yes."

"Well, I wasn't sure you'd be here."

"You could have called. Wine?"

"Yes, please. I didn't want to call. It wasn't that important. If you weren't here, I'd have let myself in, eaten in comfort, put the leftovers in your refrigerator, and gone on home."

"Leftovers?"

"There could have been some."

"This is good, Illya. Thank you."

"You're welcome. I just thought you might go out because after a mission you usually want ... and you didn't make arrangements with me, and it's not as if Peggy ... it's not nice to laugh at her."

"You're laughing too."

"Well, she was hardly your typical Innocent of choice."

"No. Here. Have my other eggroll."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

"But you didn't go out."

"There's UNCLE's finest at work. No, I didn't. I'm right here. And so are you. A fact with which I am extremely happy."

"You are?"

"Yes."

"I'm happy to be here too."

"Good. Illya? Is it something about this mission? Do you want to talk about it?"

"Why should it be something like that? Can't a person come over their ... er, his ...er, friend's house without -"

"Friend?"

"Well, you are my friend, aren't you?"

"Yes, Illya. I am your friend. But you're sputtering now, which is even more unusual than you dropping by my apartment, Chinese food in hand. Talk to me."

"It's nothing. It's - I don't know what it is. I just wanted ... I didn't want ... shut up."

"I didn't say a word."

"You're thinking things, though. I can tell. You're thinking that I'm stuttering again, and you're ruining my dinner. I thought you said you were glad to see me."

"I did! I am! Illya. I am very glad to see you. I didn't mean to ruin your dinner - you know that watching you eat is one of life's pleasures for me."

"Well ... well ... why should that be?"

"I don't know. Here. Have some more shrimp sauce. Thank you for coming. And staying. And making wild tumultuous `I'm so glad we're still alive' love with me later on tonight - and tomorrow morning, too."

"You're pretty sure of yourself."

"Am I wrong?"

"No."

"Let's play a game."

"I don't like games."

"You'll like this one - it's data driven. You have shrimp sauce on your nose ... umm. Delicious."

"Mmm. Poor Peggy will never know what she missed."

"True. But it's an ill wind ... so what do you say?"

"About what?"

"About the game. I'll start. Tell me what was ... um, the strangest thing about this past mission. The weirdest, most bizarre moment, or element, or what have you."

"I still think this is puerile, but all right. Her. That woman. Mrs. Partridge."

"Ah."

"She was seriously crazy, Napoleon. He was warped, and cruel, and affected, but she was certifiable."

"Very true. All right, my turn. To me it was the absolute, unquestioning willingness of that village full of people to give away all their personal power just because someone came along and took it. Being with them in that pub ..."

"Are you cold?"

"No. Warm me up, Illya. That's it, that's nice. Your hair smells good."

"It's just soap."

"It smells like new mown hay, like a fresh wind off the ocean, like ... mmm."

"Will we do that after every question?"

"Every single one. Like this game now?"

"Well ... if it was a prelude to seduction things are well advanced. I think we can dispense with it ... Napoleon. That feels so good."

"What was the funniest moment?"

"No, it's your turn to answer first."

"All right. Partridge's face, when Edith came up through that trapdoor and ruined everything. It was almost worth the whole thing, just to see that. And you? Hmm. What's this? Ticklish?"

"No, and stop that. Waverly, in that biking get up. Ow! What are you ... that was hardly fair! Get off me!"

"Speaking of Waverly, that was a dirty trick you played on me back there."

"All I did was tell him that you could explain."

"How was I supposed to explain? I forgot about him. No good way to put that."

"Well, you had a lot of things to distract you. Wolves, bear traps, cross bows ..."

"All true as far as it goes, but when Waverly arrived I wasn't dealing with any of those. I was drinking and carousing, to put his words on it."

"Carousing? Did he see the inside of that pub? Those people?"

"One would think. Next question. What was the most frightening part of the mission?"

"The dungeon. Napoleon Solo, you are sharp. And devious. And unprincipled. Is this the purpose of your so called game? To get me ... to make me ...talk about dirty tricks! Talk about - mmph! Stop ... no, do that again. No, not that! That. Yes. Oh. Oh, Napoleon, yes."

"Tell me about the dungeon, sweetheart."

"Being there all night long in the dark, chained to the wall, alone, was the most frightening part of the mission. All right? Satisfied? I suppose you would have been completely care free."

"No. Did he have one?"

"How dare you!"

"So he did."

"Fuck you! And shut up, too! And ... and ..."

"Shhh. It's all right. It's all right. That son of a bitch."

"He'd throw me in there if I had really made him angry - it didn't have chains on the walls, or an Iron Maiden or anything, but it was underground, and all stones - it was ancient. It's horrifying just to think of all the people over the years ... and me. I'd cry myself to sleep when he was finished with me - there wasn't a rack in there, Napoleon, but there was a bed. A big, luxurious, comfortable bed because he liked his comforts, he wasn't rolling about on any stone floor, he wasn't ... then he'd leave me there for days. And I wasn't allowed to use that bed. If I had, and he'd caught me ..."

"Illya."

"I know. It's a harrowing tale, I know. What's that for? I don't need your handkerchief. I'm not -"

"I know. I just thought you had something in your eye there. It's all right now, Illya."

"I know. Squeeze me again. Yes. Harder - yes. Thank you."

"Sure. My pleasure."

"Is it? Oh. I see that it is. Well - now it's your turn. What scared you the most? Because if you think, Napoleon Solo ..."

"That moment in Waverly's office, when I realized you were captured and being held over my head. Used, to trap me. Because Partridge knew, somehow ... and I thought we were being so careful."

"I don't think he knew we're lovers, Napoleon. Surely he would have had something snide to say about it if so."

"You just called us lovers."

"I know. You convinced me last time. Something in your eye too now?"

"No doubt. I love you, Illya."

"I love you too, Napoleon. And I liked the game, actually. I can see where it might be useful."

"Hmm."

"But we need another question to end it. A conclusion to be drawn, as it were. Something we can base ... stop laughing at me!"

"My sweet little scientist. Don't sulk, I'll play. What, if anything, do you feel you have learned from this mission, that might aid us in the future?"

"Well, it's obvious to me that I need to pay more attention to my surroundings. Of all the basic ... but I got on that bus without even noticing that it was a two decker bus bound for Eastsnout? Seriously? I was thinking about my work, and what I was going to do once I arrived, and how various experiments were faring in their assorted stages, and I never once thought that that bus was out of place. So that's what I've gleaned."

"Huh. That's good, actually. Well then, my lesson was not to sit wherever the villain of the piece indicates. Or in any chairs that look as if they might have spring metal arms. Or at all."

"Good practical lessons, both of them. Since this was essentially a debriefing, maybe I can submit a voucher for the Chinese food."

"I'll back you, but I don't hold out much hope of you ever seeing your money."

"That's all right. It was worth it. Napoleon? I'm glad I came over. Thank you."

"I'm glad you came over too. Shall we relocate to the bedroom?"

"Yes. Bring that last eggroll. And my wine."

"Your wish is my command."

"Really?"

"Really."

"Well then, I wish ... oof! You're heavy, Napoleon. And where's my wine ... oh. Yes. Yes yes yes yes!"

"Well? Has your wish come true?"

"Yes. Yes, it has. What about you? You look rather wishful."

"Well, I ... Illya. Don't tease like that."

"You don't like it?"

"I love it, but not so ... Illya!"

"Yes?"

"You're killing me."

"Sorry."

"No, you are not damn sorry. And ow! That hurt! Teeth are for ... not for ... yes, that's better ... ohhhh. Illya."

"There you go. Don't say I never did anything for you."

"I would never ever say that. You're not leaving, are you?"

"No. I'm just using the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"Okay."

"See?"

"Yes. Goodnight, Illya. I love you."

"Goodnight, Napoleon. I love you, too."

The End.